#1:
Dear Mark Eitzel,

If you're reading this, please accept my apology in advance. This will be the second time in a row where I talk about you as "unlistenable." Not that the show I saw you do on Saturday night was among the worst of yours I've seen--I mean, don't even make me recall that time in Hoboken. It's just that you seemed completely defeated and deflated as you played Saturday night. I know that it's gotta be deflating to play a club called the Nokia Theatre. But what the hell is American Music Club doing up there as a trio? I see on the website that Vudi and Jason will join in later on in the tour. Great. Lotta good that did me Saturday night. Look, I've said it before, I'll say it again: you're just about the best songwriter living in this damned country as we speak. But this purposeful distancing of yourself from your audience is just plain weird. I know, I know--why should you play sold-out shows to small crowds of middle-age has-been fans like me at Mercury Lounge, when you can be spreading the good word to teenagers waiting to hear Spoon at slick clubs in Times Square? But you know, if you really believed that, you'd be a better sport about it. You wouldn't come out sulking and announce after the second song that "we only have a couple more." Jesus, Mark, let your songs be the bummers and just be a man on the stage, wouldja? Enough of this rant--we'll always have Paris. Did I ever tell you that I went to Sacre Coeur on a Saturday morning and listened to Sacred Heart over and over?

Love you, Man,
David

#2:
Dear Spoon:

Saturday night was great! You guys rock. (And, woa, your fans are hot!). Hey, the songs live sound like the records--but snappier and heartier. I heard you were a force to be reckoned with--and that was true! Listen, sorry I haven't filled in my collection of the back catalog--I'm gettin' round to it. If you see the Franz F dudes out there on the road, rock the wild life once for me, m'kay? Also, please send a how-to letter to OKGO. I loved them so much until I saw you live. You're everything they ever wanted to be. Do you feel guilty for negating their existence?

Love,
David

P.S. I know you must be as taken with Mark Eitzel's songs as I am, but show a little respect--take some no-named kiddie show out on the road as your opening act and stop teasing your elders by booking the likes of American Music Club to confound your audience before you take the stage . Your greatest songs will never touch "What Holds the World Together," so please release AMC from their bondage and let them get back to playing perfect little shows for little nobody's like me. Pretty please?